I'm A Sinking Ship

Hello World,

Ryan Scott here. I'm here to admit, that I'm a hypocrite. I don't get it either.
It goes like this.
Romans 7:15-24 says:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

I feel so fragile, with broken bones. I should have known I wasn't ready for this responsibility. Who am I kidding? I'm not who you want, I'm not who you think I am.
Why does this verse have to be my life story? It's disgusting. Many of you reading have no idea what I'm talking about, and why I'm beating myself up, but that's probably for the better. It's nothing life threatening, it's nothing HUGE, but to me, it's lethal. My insides are eating themselves. It's 5:13 in the morning. WHAT AM I DOING UP? My mind is racing, I'm sweating, and for some reason, I can't blink. Why do I do the things I hate? Especially when I KNOW they are wrong. It's not just something my parents taught me as a kid either. I honestly, with my whole heart, want to believe it. I want to live it.

Pastor Brad always says: "If you believe it, you better be living it."
This is what I say: "Let me put on a fake face for the world to see, and when no one thinks anything is wrong, that's when things are going good."
God, why's living for You got to be so hard?
Or at least, why am I making it so hard?
I know what I have to do. I know what needs to get done, and yet, I just don't do it.
"Depart from me, for I never knew you"
That scares the hell out of me. Literally.
But it's all about me.
It's always been about me.
I'm selfish.
I'm selfish.
I'm selfish.
It's about Ryan Scott Graham, and no one else.
What is my problem?
I don't deserve Your love. Not a bit of it.
I'm pouring my heart into this blog, not knowing if anyone will even read it, but it doesn't matter.
I'm relieved.

So I'll let my final words be a quote by the great lyricsist Cody Bonnette.

"I'm sure if You wanted to stop love,
You could just untie Your end,
and let it go.
But my God, You don't.
You don't.
Yeah, I think I love You for it.
Yeah, I think I love You for it."